I want to start off this post talking about mental health. I wish I could tell myself the exact things I say to loved ones. It’s hard to feel vulnerable. And it’s hard to admit you’re not okay. I wish we as a society could openly talk about metal health and not have it be some crazy taboo subject. I think I got to a point where I felt that bad things just kept happening in my life. I felt cheated and that I was probably just not meant to be happy or have good things happen. I wish I had some amazing answer to life and the sadness we feel, but I don’t. All I know is that I’ve had to learn that it’s okay to not be okay, and it’s super healthy to talk to someone about how you’re feeling. I have amazing people in my life that are so willing to listen to me cry about one tragedy after another lol. Life is sometimes hard to love, but that’s okay. I don’t think it was meant to be loved always. I think it was meant to just be life, and we do what we need to to move forward.
I don’t want to spend much time on the subject of terrible relationships. Because I don’t want to dwell on negative parts of my life that I’ve moved on from, and some people just don’t deserve any more of my time. It really comes down to being with someone that doesn’t make you feel terrible about yourself, has no sympathy for the things you’re going through, and you should really trust your gut when making big decisions (like getting engaged to someone you know you shouldn’t get engaged to.) *eye roll* All in all, when that nightmare was over I was happier than I had been in a long time. Probably because I knew I didn’t have to marry someone that was going to ruin my life lol.
When my dad died last year I tried really hard to be positive about the situation. It got harder and harder to be positive though. I think the more it sinks in that this person is gone, the harder it gets. My grandma also died this spring. It’s kind of funny saying the word “also”. Death just seems common these days. I miss my grandma, it’s hard not seeing her multiple times a week, or going to her house and sitting at the kitchen table to chat. I get that death is inevitable, but sometimes I feel like I’ve seen too much of it. I can’t really end this section with some profound life lesson. I could say I’ve learned and grown from these things, which I definitely have. But really, I just miss the people I love that I don’t get to see anymore.
Being a nurse has really opened my heart and mind to a lot of things. It challenges me physically, mentally, and emotionally every day. I’ve learned so much from the people I take care of. I see patients at their lowest points, and I have learned to care so much. Right after nursing school, I was positive I didn't want to be a nurse lol. I was so scared and everyday was saying, "what did I get myself into???". I'm the kind of person that just needs time to adjust to things, and then I'll get used to it, and maybe even enjoy it. I feel like I'm finding my confidence as a nurse. I have a routine and am much more comfortable with the responsibilities I have. Plus it's a really fun job (most of the time) and I get to work with amazing people, including one of my best friends, Paris. I get to travel to conferences and train students and new nurses, which I really enjoy. So I love that I am able to say that I love my job.
I could probably go back to every single year of my life and say I was “finding myself” lol. I think we all can. Do we ever fully find ourselves? Who knows. But I definitely don’t think it’s a bad thing if we do spend every year “finding ourselves”. It really just means we are making progress finding the person we want to become. That is definitely something I did this year. This self discovery mostly pertains to religion. I made the decision a few years ago to be baptized into the LDS church. This year I separated myself from that church. It doesn’t work for me anymore. I can’t morally continue to force myself to believe something is true when I don’t believe any of it. Do I regret joining the church? No. I think it’s what I needed at that time in my life and this is what I need now. I can’t really say what I believe in at this point, but it’s not a lot. Use whatever term, but I respect people that do believe in a higher power and believe religion is healthy for people that need something in their life to believe in. And really, who’s to say what’s true what isn’t. It’s all speculation I guess. Again, these decisions have brought me to a better place in my life and I love the person I’m becoming, so we’ll roll with it lol.
Even though this post seems like a little bit of a downer, this year was actually very lovely. As always, my friends were a huge part of the year. One of my best friends Taylor got married, which was an amazing day. I was able to attend a nursing conference in Florida where I learned a lot AND got to go to Disneyworld. I went on a cruise to Mexico with my friend Kim, and despite the sea-sickness, it was a blast. I started going to the gym this year and didn’t hate it lol. This year I’ve also seen my mom happier than she has been in a while. She’s my best friend, and person I can count on and trust for anything. She’s gotten me through the lows in life when no one else could and I love seeing her happy. I truly have so many people to thank for making this year, and all my years, wonderful. I really do have an amazing life. And even though it’s super hard sometimes, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
