"Whose Hand Should I Take?"

I deal with a lot of death at my work.  It sounds kind of weird to say it like that, but it's true.  We have people pass away all the time, and strangely enough, it kind of becomes a norm.  I am constantly having people tell me that what I do is crazy and that they could never in a million years deal with what I see on a daily basis.  I don't see it as a job though.  I love the quote, "when you find something you love to do, you'll never work a day in your life."  It's not really a job, and it's not just "taking care of old people".  It's a place where I have learned so much about life, and experienced things and people that I won't ever forget.

When you think of the word 'dying' or 'death', it's usually associated with a negative aspect.  And yes, it very well is negative a lot of the time.  I've been through one occasion when it ended for someone very violently. After this, I was scared.  I was scared to go back to work.  I was scared that this was a normal thing to happen, even when I had been told repeatedly that it wasn't. I was scared that I would have to see someone else end their life.  It took time to get over that night, which I think is reasonable.  (It didn't help that prom was the next day), but that's beside the point.  I would have never thought that one thing could impact my life so much, until it did. It was one of those "don't leave me alone or else my mind will be a mess" sort of things.  But I did get over it.  Maybe not fully, but as much as I can. Time heals.  I didn't like to talk about it, because that's not how I cope. They told me I didn't have to go back.  They told me that it was okay if I couldn't.  No one thought I would. Of course I had to go back.  I knew that all along I would.  If I didn't, I would've left with the worst memory, and possibly never gotten over it.  And that wasn't on my to-do list. Again, time taught me that this wasn't something that happens on a daily basis.  People don't kill themselves in nursing homes regularly.  Thank the lord... I was only 17 and been a CNA for maybe three months. After a while I was okay to be alone, I wasn't freaked out about unnecessary things. After a while I could go back in to room 208.  Time made me realize that death doesn't always have to be bad.

One day my boss told me a story about a man that was in his last stage of life, not conscious, and very close to death.  And as she was sitting with him he opened his eyes and asked, "Whose hand should I take?"  With no one else in the room, she told him that he could take anyone's hand, and that they were all there for him.  A few seconds later his eyes closed and he peacefully passed away.  I think this story will stick with me forever.  Things like this, make our unknown knowledge of death so much less scary.  It's a crazy feeling, sitting holding someone's hand, feeling their pulse slowly end. I'm with these people hours on end every single day.  Learning who they are and where they came from, I am very proud to say that some of my best friends are over 80 years old. I spend so much time with them during the last part of their lives.  Usually, it is very much a blessing to see someone pass away at my work. It is so sad and painful to see a friend go, but so very happy at the same time. It's kind of like they're being freed from a worn out body that hurts, or an Alzheimer's stricken mind.  And knowing wherever they're going, will be a happier place.

I guess you can say I really really love my job.  I find so much joy in the people that I meet there, and I've gained quite a few life lessons along the way.  And even though I haven't witnessed the most pleasant things, I wouldn't trade any of it. 

Mak