2018

Okay it’s time to write my yearly blog post. I think I missed last year, so it’s not even yearly, whoops. But I thought a little update on my life is nice. Plus it’s cathartic to write out our issues, lol. 2018 flew by, am I right?? It seems like only yesterday I was complaining about another new year. But hey, who doesn’t love a new start? So this past year was.... interesting, to say the least. It’s possible I’ve grown and changed more this year than any other year. Which is saying something, because last year was complete shit and I was pretty much forced to change lol. I started out this year in a bad place. I was anxious and depressed, in a terrible relationship, still mourning the death of my dad, finding a balance with work, and really just trying to find myself.

I want to start off this post talking about mental health. I wish I could tell myself the exact things I say to loved ones. It’s hard to feel vulnerable. And it’s hard to admit you’re not okay. I wish we as a society could openly talk about metal health and not have it be some crazy taboo subject. I think I got to a point where I felt that bad things just kept happening in my life. I felt cheated and that I was probably just not meant to be happy or have good things happen. I wish I had some amazing answer to life and the sadness we feel, but I don’t. All I know is that I’ve had to learn that it’s okay to not be okay, and it’s super healthy to talk to someone about how you’re feeling. I have amazing people in my life that are so willing to listen to me cry about one tragedy after another lol. Life is sometimes hard to love, but that’s okay. I don’t think it was meant to be loved always. I think it was meant to just be life, and we do what we need to to move forward.

I don’t want to spend much time on the subject of terrible relationships. Because I don’t want to dwell on negative parts of my life that I’ve moved on from, and some people just don’t deserve any more of my time. It really comes down to being with someone that doesn’t make you feel terrible about yourself, has no sympathy for the things you’re going through, and you should really trust your gut when making big decisions (like getting engaged to someone you know you shouldn’t get engaged to.) *eye roll* All in all, when that nightmare was over I was happier than I had been in a long time. Probably because I knew I didn’t have to marry someone that was going to ruin my life lol.

When my dad died last year I tried really hard to be positive about the situation. It got harder and harder to be positive though. I think the more it sinks in that this person is gone, the harder it gets. My grandma also died this spring. It’s kind of funny saying the word “also”. Death just seems common these days. I miss my grandma, it’s hard not seeing her multiple times a week, or going to her house and sitting at the kitchen table to chat. I get that death is inevitable, but sometimes I feel like I’ve seen too much of it. I can’t really end this section with some profound life lesson. I could say I’ve learned and grown from these things, which I definitely have. But really, I just miss the people I love that I don’t get to see anymore.

Being a nurse has really opened my heart and mind to a lot of things. It challenges me physically, mentally, and emotionally every day. I’ve learned so much from the people I take care of. I see patients at their lowest points, and I have learned to care so much.  Right after nursing school, I was positive I didn't want to be a nurse lol. I was so scared and everyday was saying, "what did I get myself into???".  I'm the kind of person that just needs time to adjust to things, and then I'll get used to it, and maybe even enjoy it. I feel like I'm finding my confidence as a nurse. I have a routine and am much more comfortable with the responsibilities I have. Plus it's a really fun job (most of the time) and I get to work with amazing people, including one of my best friends, Paris. I get to travel to conferences and train students and new nurses, which I really enjoy.  So I love that I am able to say that I love my job.

I could probably go back to every single year of my life and say I was “finding myself” lol. I think we all can. Do we ever fully find ourselves? Who knows. But I definitely don’t think it’s a bad thing if we do spend every year “finding ourselves”. It really just means we are making progress finding the person we want to become. That is definitely something I did this year. This self discovery mostly pertains to religion. I made the decision a few years ago to be baptized into the LDS church. This year I separated myself from that church. It doesn’t work for me anymore. I can’t morally continue to force myself to believe something is true when I don’t believe any of it. Do I regret joining the church? No. I think it’s what I needed at that time in my life and this is what I need now. I can’t really say what I believe in at this point, but it’s not a lot. Use whatever term, but I respect people that do believe in a higher power and believe religion is healthy for people that need something in their life to believe in. And really, who’s to say what’s true what isn’t. It’s all speculation I guess. Again, these decisions have brought me to a better place in my life and I love the person I’m becoming, so we’ll roll with it lol.

Even though this post seems like a little bit of a downer, this year was actually very lovely. As always, my friends were a huge part of the year. One of my best friends Taylor got married, which was an amazing day. I was able to attend a nursing conference in Florida where I learned a lot AND got to go to Disneyworld. I went on a cruise to Mexico with my friend Kim, and despite the sea-sickness, it was a blast. I started going to the gym this year and didn’t hate it lol. This year I’ve also seen my mom happier than she has been in a while. She’s my best friend, and person I can count on and trust for anything. She’s gotten me through the lows in life when no one else could and I love seeing her happy. I truly have so many people to thank for making this year, and all my years, wonderful. I really do have an amazing life. And even though it’s super hard sometimes, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

2017

I literally have not blogged in two years. Probably because I have nothing interesting to say very often, so I have to wait a really long time, like two years, then I've had enough time to think up something somewhat readable.  So, I thought I would write about this past year, since we just had New Years.  2016 was great, really. It was a wonderful year, probably one of the hardest years I've ever had, but definitely one of the greatest. My biggest accomplishment was graduating nursing school. Eighteen months of pure Hell, but so worth it. Nursing school taught me so many things. I can differentiate Arterial Blood Gasses, calculate the Parkland formula for burns, somewhat read EKG strips, but I also learned a lot about myself. I learned that if I push myself, actually try, and (grudgingly) leave my comfort zone I really can do anything.  There were a lot of tears and stress and wanting to quit, but I am beyond happy and quite proud that stuck it through. Plus, I made a few friends as well. Chantel, you are amazing and smart and so funny and I still laugh at all the snapchat videos we made in St. George. Plus you passed your NCLEX already and are a nurse and I am so proud! McKayla, you were my very first friend at school and we didn't talk to anyone else haha, but I am so happy we sat by each other. Friends till the end! And dear Caitlyn, I feel like we knew each other in another life, and even though you're a Hufflepuff, I will still be your friend forever.

I'm very grateful for my family, especially this past year after my dad had so many health problems and hospital stays. Life is hard and exhausting sometimes, but it gets better and we grow from the trials. I have the most positive and hard-working parents that seriously can get through anything. They've been so supportive and helpful while I've been in school. Good thing I'm an only child, because the other kids wouldn't have liked me being the favorite. 

I turned 22 this last year and had a bit of an existential crisis.  My friends and I always talk about how old we are getting, but it's true. It was a fun year with them all. One of my best friends got back from his mission, and my other best friend moved back home from Cedar City after being there for 4 years. The gang's all here. We're all getting close to actually starting our adult life careers, which is so weird. Adult life is lame when you're 14 forever at heart. 

Another big step I took this year was quitting the job I had had for almost five years. I talked about quitting that job for a long time, but I was very comfortable there and didn't want to start over somewhere else. Being a CNA is hard, and it really sucks sometimes. You deal with crazy patients, a lot of bodily fluids (that sometimes splash in your eye...), angry family members, death, the list goes on and on. But I really can't think of a more rewarding job. I learned more over the past five years than I thought was possible. I'm positive I could write a novel on all the craziness from that place. Some of the people that I was able to take care of changed my life. Many of them were like grandparents or friends. One thing I had to learn there was accepting death, because even though you'll miss them, it's good to see them go. Saying goodbye to people you love and took care of is never fun, but knowing the kind of place they're in now is comforting. I also made a lot of friends over the years there, too many to name, but you all know who you are. Moving on as a nurse in a hospital is really exciting and also terrifying. I'm super grateful of all the experiences I've had that have prepared me to take on the next phase of life.

2016 was amazing. I think I said this in another New Years post, but every year is relevant, it's the way you choose to spend that year, and I'm pretty content with how things are going right now. Very thankful for all the people in my life that have been there forever, I also met a couple new people this year that I'm excited to continue friendships with.  It's weird to think that 2017 is already here, time flies when you're having fun (or crying over tests). I have a feeling it's going to be a great year. Love you all!

Mak.

An Introduction...Sort Of

So I looked up a 30 day blog challenge online, because I thought it sounded like a good idea. But let's be honest, I'm not going to blog every single day for 30 days. I can barely handle writing these every few months. It's called 'non-consistency'... or laziness, take your pick. Anyway, I thought I would just look up some ideas to write about, because I never have any clue what topic I want to ramble on about. I always feel like I need something important and memorable to talk about, so I don't know how deep these next posts are going to get, but I'll try and make them as interesting as possible.

The first thing on the list is an introduction and picture of yourself.  Well, I am not good at introductions.  It's like in school when the teacher says "we're going to go around the room and say something interesting about ourselves." Yeah right. I mean, when I'm asked to tell a room of strangers something "interesting" about myself, it's basically the peak of my social anxiety.  First off, there's no possible way I'm going to be able to think of anything to say.  All my interests and hobbies are instantly cast away into the black abyss of my mind that gets taken over when I am put on the spot in situations like this.  There are an array of things flying through my head at this time, things like, "what do I say? What are my interests? Do I even have interests? Not really, I just sit at home! I like cats. No, I can't say I like cats. I watch a lot of Netflix. No that's weird. I can't be the weirdo!" (Another example of me caring too much of what people think). Secondly, no one actually cares to hear me ramble about something "interesting" about myself. Honestly, I could care less what they all have to say, so why should they care what I like doing in my spare time? I'm there to learn math or biology or whatever, not learn useless facts about my peers, whom I probably hate anyway.  So why do teachers and professors do this? WHO KNOWS! It seems no matter how old you get or whatever higher education you're in, "tell us something interesting about yourself" never ever goes away. They probably just like watching the fear in people's eyes and laughing at people like me, with enough social awkwardness to share with everyone. Oh, and don't even get me started on the other dreaded sentence, "everyone find a partner."

This wasn't really an introduction about myself. It was more of an expression of my hate for introductions. Which is just as good, and better than a "get to know you". I like these kind of posts, so maybe I'll write more of them. There's a good chance they'll be about why I fail at life and my sarcastic remarks about things. That's what I'm best at. Failing and sarcasm. Okay, bye.

Mak.



Here's a picture of me holding a shark and wearing some swaggy tie-dye.

A New Year

It has recently become a new year and we have left 2014 behind. And I'm not too sad about that. I mean, 2014 wasn't a bad year or anything, but it wasn't exactly what I would call the 'greatest most awesome year of years'. I'm still waiting for that one. I wish I could say that I knew everything and have it all figured out after this past year. But really, I think I ended my 20th year of life with more questions than answers.

You know when you finally make a big decision about something, and then after you wonder if it really was the right decision? Well, that's been my train of thought for the last few months.  I figured making a choice about something, that is potentially life changing, would better my life and promote maximum happiness. But all in all, I feel exactly the same as I did before making that decision.  Which leads me to believe that we make our own happiness in life. We can't depend on others or concrete items or simple ideas to make us happy.  No one is going to just hand us bliss, we have to go searching, or else we'll never find it... And this is where my uncertainty comes in about my decision.  I thought I had searched, but in reality there is SO much more out there for me to find. And who's to say my happiness, or anyone's is sitting right here next to us.  It's impossible to know exactly what you want when you haven't gone out looking.

So yeah, a new year, blah blah blah... I won't make any resolutions; I think they're dumb and you don't need the beginning of January to make a change in your life. I really don't have any high expectations for 2015 either (how pessimistic), because in reality, a year's a year and they're all relevant. Some more than others, but again, it's what we choose to make of that year that makes it special. Not the year itself. So if anything, I want this new year to be another happy one. I'm just going to take it as it comes and try not to stress about the small things. Because life is short and I swear these years keep getting shorter...

Mak.

Looooooove

Today I'm here to talk about love... Just kidding, I'm here to talk about heart break. How depressing, right? Yeah, basically.  But depressing topics make a good story.  And good lessons learned, right? No? Okay.

So why do we center ourselves with people that treat us horribly?  You know, I've wondered this my whole life.  I've seen relationships, both fiction and non, where one of the two people treat the other badly, or both treat each other equally terrible.  And I think, "Why oh why would you even stay with that person? Just leave."  It turns out that's much easier said than done.  It also turns out that we meet people that have such an impact on our lives and we unfortunately get attached.  We get attached for much too long.  8 months too long.

 And you keep going back, time and time again.  Because, "it'll be different this time".  HA! No.  People don't change.  Sorry.

And then, as I wonder why in the world we would choose to stay with people that treat us so awful, The Perks of Being a Wallflower quote always pops up into my brain.  "We accept the love we think we deserve."  It's so sad, but so true.  We live with this twisted vision of love not knowing or believing what we really deserve to have, when it really IS out there waiting for us.  We continue to get hurt and do nothing about it, because why even bother, they're nice sometimes, right?  I've learned that we need to have enough respect for ourselves or no one else will.  And you should take the same advice you would give your best friend.


Conclusion: stay away from mean people that treat you like dirt.


Love sucks. End rant.

Mak.

"Whose Hand Should I Take?"

I deal with a lot of death at my work.  It sounds kind of weird to say it like that, but it's true.  We have people pass away all the time, and strangely enough, it kind of becomes a norm.  I am constantly having people tell me that what I do is crazy and that they could never in a million years deal with what I see on a daily basis.  I don't see it as a job though.  I love the quote, "when you find something you love to do, you'll never work a day in your life."  It's not really a job, and it's not just "taking care of old people".  It's a place where I have learned so much about life, and experienced things and people that I won't ever forget.

When you think of the word 'dying' or 'death', it's usually associated with a negative aspect.  And yes, it very well is negative a lot of the time.  I've been through one occasion when it ended for someone very violently. After this, I was scared.  I was scared to go back to work.  I was scared that this was a normal thing to happen, even when I had been told repeatedly that it wasn't. I was scared that I would have to see someone else end their life.  It took time to get over that night, which I think is reasonable.  (It didn't help that prom was the next day), but that's beside the point.  I would have never thought that one thing could impact my life so much, until it did. It was one of those "don't leave me alone or else my mind will be a mess" sort of things.  But I did get over it.  Maybe not fully, but as much as I can. Time heals.  I didn't like to talk about it, because that's not how I cope. They told me I didn't have to go back.  They told me that it was okay if I couldn't.  No one thought I would. Of course I had to go back.  I knew that all along I would.  If I didn't, I would've left with the worst memory, and possibly never gotten over it.  And that wasn't on my to-do list. Again, time taught me that this wasn't something that happens on a daily basis.  People don't kill themselves in nursing homes regularly.  Thank the lord... I was only 17 and been a CNA for maybe three months. After a while I was okay to be alone, I wasn't freaked out about unnecessary things. After a while I could go back in to room 208.  Time made me realize that death doesn't always have to be bad.

One day my boss told me a story about a man that was in his last stage of life, not conscious, and very close to death.  And as she was sitting with him he opened his eyes and asked, "Whose hand should I take?"  With no one else in the room, she told him that he could take anyone's hand, and that they were all there for him.  A few seconds later his eyes closed and he peacefully passed away.  I think this story will stick with me forever.  Things like this, make our unknown knowledge of death so much less scary.  It's a crazy feeling, sitting holding someone's hand, feeling their pulse slowly end. I'm with these people hours on end every single day.  Learning who they are and where they came from, I am very proud to say that some of my best friends are over 80 years old. I spend so much time with them during the last part of their lives.  Usually, it is very much a blessing to see someone pass away at my work. It is so sad and painful to see a friend go, but so very happy at the same time. It's kind of like they're being freed from a worn out body that hurts, or an Alzheimer's stricken mind.  And knowing wherever they're going, will be a happier place.

I guess you can say I really really love my job.  I find so much joy in the people that I meet there, and I've gained quite a few life lessons along the way.  And even though I haven't witnessed the most pleasant things, I wouldn't trade any of it. 

Mak

Update

Okay, so I haven't blogged since April.  That's 7 months of you not knowing anything about my crazy important life. Ha! Nothing that crazy or important has actually happened (surprise surprise). There have been a few changes in my life though.  I feel really happy with everything right now, I'm in good place.  I've recently removed something from my life that has taken so much stress away from me, it has me saying "why didn't I do this before?!" 

I sometimes wonder what motives people have.  What do they expect to get out of something when they bring others down along the way. Since it's November and a time to be thankful, I've been thinking how grateful I am for the current people in my life.  They have been so wonderful. It's the people you choose to center yourself with that makes you who you are. And I choose to be with people that make me laugh so hard I cry, people I can simply trust with anything, and people that I know will be there for me, and me for them. 

 

 

I am really excited for what is to come in the next little while.  I have a good feeling of everything that is coming up next for me.  Plus it's almost Christmas, which is obviously the best time of year.  I will try and write more in the upcoming weeks!

Mak